


But Sliced Bread Was the Real Downfall

by writingandchocolatemilk



Series: Bad Touch Trio Stories [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Alternate Universe - Human, Gen, Hogwarts, Lovino as Teacher, Requests
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:50:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3311132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingandchocolatemilk/pseuds/writingandchocolatemilk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter was one of the worst things to happen to the wizarding world since sliced bread.</p><p>Reading books led to trying magic, which led to discovering magicical abilities, which led to the type of punks sitting in front of Lovino today.</p><p>“No, you can’t sell iPods to students. For some reason, we go over this every fu—freaking year.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Sliced Bread Was the Real Downfall

Harry Potter was one of the worst things to happen to the wizarding world since sliced bread.

Lovino remembered the riots after the book had come out. He had seen the newspapers—they only move if you wanted them to—and read with minor interest about the drunkard wizard that had been hauled in. Rowling had been “dealt with.”

A couple of years later, she released a book.

Apparently, the mind wipe hadn’t erased all of the wizard’s story.

None of this really affected Lovino. If anything, it helped. He had been hired by Hogwarts to screen students for mortal technology. Reading books led to trying magic, which led to discovering magicical abilities, which led to the type of punks sitting in front of Lovino today.

“No, you can’t sell iPods to students. For some reason, we go over this every fu—freaking year.” Lovino slumped slightly in his chair.

Gilbert raised one shoulder in a shrug. “It’s an iPhone.”

Antonio nodded, leaning forward to grab on of the iPhones off of Lovino’s desk. “Yeah, real ones. They’re not the newest, but, well, no one here  _has_  them, so we figured that maybe…” He slowly replaced the phone, smiling guiltily under Lovino’s glare. “Eh…”

“Look, we don’t allow this shit.” Lovino picked up one of the phones, clicking the middle button. “They’re detrimental to student’s learning.”

Francis pulled at a lose thread on his uniform. “Just like pants.”

Gilbert nodded, crossing his arms. “Or any sport that doesn’t use brooms.”

“Or wands!” Antonio added. After a nudge from his friends, Antonio leaned forward and smiled. In a couple of years, it would be charming. “Could you not destroy them? I—the phones. Because they cost a lot, and Gilbert’s dad doesn’t really know about them.”

Lovino twirled the phone, and then flicked his fingers, allowing the phone to float in front of Antonio’s face. “So, you  _stole_  them?”

A flash of panic. “No, no, no,  _no_ , ha, no.” Another one of Antonio’s attempts at a charming smile. “Well, sort of.”

Lovino wanted to smirk. He scowled instead. “I’m going to write letter to all of your parents.”

Gilbert covered an obnoxious laugh with his hand. “My father doesn’t read  _letters_. Good luck with that, Lovino.”

The phone zipped away from Antonio’s face and smashed against the wall. Antonio slammed back in his chair, grasping Francis’ arm. Gilbert’s eyes flicked from the splinters of phone to Lovino.

“Mr. Vargas,” Gilbert corrected, voice cracking.

Lovino forced a smile onto his face, but the edges were cracking. “Detention will be arranged by the head of your house. You are dismissed.”

The three of them stood, shuffling out of Lovino’s office and muttering darkly to one another. Antonio turned, dumb question on his lips, but he crumbled when he saw Lovino’s face. Francis, the last one out, gave Lovino a disdainful look.

Lovino waved, smile still in place.

The three were back not a week later.

Instead of a pile of iPhones, there was a pile of thongs. Not just any thongs, but elaborately decorated thongs. Thongs for both girls and boys. And condoms. Condoms weren’t outlawed at Hogwarts; they were just included in trio's purchase. Francis inspected his nails. Gilbert was blushing, but his arms were crossed defiantly. Antonio hands were in his lap; he was steadily avoiding Lovino’s gaze.

Francis gave another disdainful look. “So, the ‘wizarding world’ doesn’t have thongs?”

Lovino let out a small noise of anguish. “You don’t sell underwear at school. Surely, even at,” he waved his hand at the three of them, “ _your_  schools, they must teach you that. And condoms?” Lovino gestured wildly. “Why?”

Francis nearly rolled his eyes. “It’s a public service.”

Lovino squinted. “ _What_?”

Gilbert laughed, which turned into a snort. “We, I mean, there’s the ball coming up. Demand and supply.”

Antonio finally met Lovino’s eyes. “Are you going to the ball?”

It was a good thing Lovino had impeccable self-control, otherwise he would have flipped the desk. “You cannot sell thongs at Hogwarts! You cannot give away  _condoms_ —and damn it, Antonio, I’m not going to the ball with you, stop sending owls.”

Gilbert sat straighter in his chair. “That’s  _another_  thing! Why don’t you people have email?”

Lovino rested his forehead on the desk. A blue thong with hearts protected Lovino’s head from the hard wood. “I don’t make the rules, Gilbert. You can’t sell these thongs. Only the infirmary can pass out condoms. Get the fuck out of my office.”

Only two sets of footsteps shuffled away from his desk.

“Jesus Christ, Antonio, I’m not going to the ball.”

A hurried third set of feet followed the other two.

A record breaking two weeks before the three of them were back. This visit was perhaps worst of all. The three students didn’t even look ashamed as they sat there. Lovino’s gaze was focused on the books. One of them was burning, slowly, the ashes disappearing when they neared the students.

“Harry Potter. You were selling  _Harry Potter_. You could have been selling wands but you chose— _this_. You could have been selling  _drugs_.”

The three students broke down laughing. Lovino flipped his desk. 

**Author's Note:**

>  **From anonymous prompt:** Hi! Love your writings! As a prompt: Hogwarts AU with bad touch trio. Maybe with Lovino thrown in the mix if you feel it fits.


End file.
